Its called Reward and Consequence
Long post I know … but it could just maybe flip the switch for you… In a very good way
The game that every human on the planet plays, daily.
It goes like this
Do it my way and you will receive a reward, failure to do so will incur a consequence.
Probably because Largely the behaviour can be dished out under the guise of other things.
As parents we train our children to do as they are told, when they’re told or they will be punished.
Sent to their room Not spoken to Yelled at Toys taken away No dessert Liberties removed No hugs given Or just a look or a criticism.
Or even the death nell of all happy children…. You tell them you are ‘disappointed in them.’
In other words you have given them the consequence of guilt. And after years of studying that particular state of mind with my clients, I consider guilt to be a very fierce weapon.
One we are capable of flinging at each other with no thought to the real and tangible harm it does.
‘If you loved me you would.’ In other words I will make you feel bad unless you do it my way.
Anyway that is really a whole book, not a post
Teachers, in fact formal education in all forms play the game of reward and consequence. Conform, learn to read a book and repeat, learn to follow the rules, learn to accept what we tell you is your truth, regardless of what that looks like… and you get a bit of paper to say your a good and intelligent person…. In other words never, ever question… consequence, dont do as your told and we will convince you that piece of paper you didn't get will condemn you to failure your whole life.
Formal religion in all forms… conform to the dogma, the limiting beliefs, the rules and God will love you, otherwise there is hell for you… never question
Partner, lovers, husbands and wives… do, behave, respond, agree, be as I need you to be or… no sex, no hugs, no love, I might cheat, Or I might just leave you. Never question
Family, especially family, we want you to be happy, but it has to look like what we consider you should be happy being…. Never question
The people that sit in Wellington, let's not forget them, as they are particularly good at the game. That one needs no explanation. Yep , never question
It would seem the game comes into play within our every encounter.
Now do you recognise it ?
Reward and consequence is how we learn to be people pleasers, how we learn to be aggressive, how we learn to fly under the radar of our world so we don't get noticed and therefore don't get the consequence. Fearful of confrontation, terrible self worth, these are all the things we were consequenced or bribed into being so we didn’t get that consequence, but rather were rewarded.
It is how we learnt to live our worst life.
I was very privileged to go to a high school that had a particularly vicious bully as a deputy head. She really was a nasty vindictive monster and the students for the most part lived in terror of her. She focused her wrath on me one day, and it was by far the best day of my life in terms of my learning. She ranted and raved, screamed in my face and dished out the worst punishment she could for my behaviour, that I attend her science class until I altered my behaviour, in other words, did what I was told.
The epiphany came in the midst of her full vent.
That was the worst she could do… that was it…
And it really amounted to nothing other than me spending an hour a week even more disengaged than normal in my education giving me time to daydream and create the world that bought me to here. I am forever grateful for that toad of a woman.
If you spend a minute just thinking about the above and start identifying with any or all of it you will see the game for what it is….
There is always the perfect side to others attempts to punish. I know it doesn’t feel like it sometimes and when it doesn't feel good you really do get dragged down the hole of needing to conform to the ideals and demands of those that threaten the punishment.
But once you're aware of the game, and the rules, how simple does life become when you stop living in fear of some threat of consequence.
Rejecting the premise that you have to play the game is the most liberating, powerful lesson I can pass on to you.
When I am forced to give attention to the behaviour of those that I have no time or inclination to, this is the path both Paul and I go down, because it really is the true path of our lives.
Paul has been disallowed from seeing his children for years now.
Punishment for not loving a pretty unlovable woman, evidenced by the mindless and damaging punishment. And I mean damaging for the kids not Paul.
His family has disowned him, due to the ex holding the children as weapons… we haven’t heard from them since we were married.
Now that bit of info is not there to garner sympathy, rather the opposite. I have used it simply as a pretty significant example of the game.
And this is where we both go in acknowledging the attempts of those that feel they want their own way with us and threaten the consequence.
As in all things, there is no sidestepping the reaction you create with your action… Karma is not there for just the few. It is a law and therefore it has a perpetuation that is unstoppable. What you have done will return to you and we take our hands off that knowing it not our business to seek revenge in any form.
Secondly and more importantly, is the way in which you view your ‘consequence’.
We perceive it this way, this has allowed us to live freely, without the confines of others opinions and without having to engage with people we clearly have no alignment with or common ground. We are living in exactly the way we want. There are no rules, there are no explanations or requirements for conformity, or approval from those that perceive their moral or ethical code is better than ours, and due to that we live a pretty blissful life.
I do not have to engage with what are clearly misguided in-laws, and yes so many of you out there know exactly what I mean… we don’t have the crazy ex in our faces .. we are free, happy and content.. All of those involved have shown their true colours with their need to attempt to pull us into line, under threat, their line, regardless of how emotionally destructive that is for the children involved.
And we have kids and grandkids aplenty that love and nuture our true Sense of Family… we have all that we want and desire.
Kids are adults longer than they are kids... Paul's kids will return when they are ready.. when they sense the truth, inevitable eh as we all know.
Consequence in the eyes of those that feel they are entitled enough to be able to try and punish you for not following their rules, for the most part ….simply Are not consequences but rather rewards. You just have to take the aerial view rather than the victim view. Break it down, pull it apart, don't bend to the threat.
Reward and consequence is like breathing to us, we haven't over the years felt the need to change, and I guess thats because it works so well. Parents need to keep their kids safe, kids need to know there are consequences for their actions, thats a given. But to be mindful around the action and the outcome of the consequence and the why it is instigated is more important. My clinic is filled with adults that still live horrible self limiting lives because we don't leave the fear of consequence behind when we put our adult pants on.
Be mindful of not just the intent of others but yourself around your patterns of giving reward or consequence.
Ask yourself, who am I when I....................
Turn it into a game of perception. See the truth behind the threatened consequence. Are you doing it because there is a real safety or damaging issue, or
Are you doing it to get your own way??????
Seeking the approval of those that are clearly there to control or destroy..
please.... just give a sigh of relief that you are free from the people that you clearly have a whole different moral, ethical, spiritual, energetic code than you do.
Bless them, wish them well and release them…
Freedom is the ultimate happiness, the ultimate joy and
the ultimate success maker.
Now wasn’t that worth reading to the end for
Much love to you perfect creators.